you don't have to be tortured to create ♥

[ photo from lampeduza ]

I grew up on stories of the tortured artist.  As soon as I could make my own reading choices, I found myself gravitating toward writers who lived on the edge.  I was attracted to stories about loss & chaos. Stories without happy endings. Often times, the stories I liked were written by authors whose own chaotic lives mirrored those that they wrote about.

For whatever reason, the thought of living in constant turmoil like that seemed kind of...glamorous.  I envisioned myself in the future as a tinier version of Sylvia Plath or Virginia Woolf; somebody who regurgitated beautiful works of art that were admired by - & confused - many.  I imagined my life: I'd spend hours in dim, candle-lit rooms, hunched over a vintage keyboard, a glass of red wine my only companion.  I'd probably be lonely. I'd probably hate myself.  But I'd be intelligent.  And creative.  

Something about that notion intrigued me.  I was placed in "gifted" classes when I was younger, even though the meaning of the word was never really explained to me.  I always knew I wanted to write & so, I did what any budding young writer would do.  I read whatever "greats" I could get my hands on.  Eventually, I started to form my own opinions of the writers I wanted to emulate.  From all I had heard & read - & all that I felt & saw - living in chaos & hating oneself was the artist's way.  And, the older I got & the more I read about & studied other writers & artists, the more I found this idea to be true. I formed what I called "the intelligence paradox" in my mind.  I was convinced that if I was truly a highly intelligent or creative person, I was  basically doomed.  Happiness became almost a dirty word in my vocabulary; something I equated with people who were dumb, shallow or lifeless.  Happiness didn't exist in my world.  Especially not if I was going to write.

It seems a little ridiculous in hindsight.  There are millions upon millions of books & writers out there...& there is no way that all of them are or were depressed, self-loathing, manic depressive psychopaths.  However, I was convinced that the "greats" were just that way.  And as an extreme perfectionist, I would settle for nothing less than great.

...Until I realized one important thing.  You don't have to be tortured to create something beautiful.

I completely understand that many of you reading this may still feel the way I used to about your own creative abilities.  When your mind is racing like it does when you're anxious, or if you're catastrophizing all the events in your life like you do when you're depressed, it seems like writing & art just flows out of you. It's almost effortless.  However, when you take a step back & look at exactly what you write when you're in this state of mind, sometimes it isn't pretty.  

I'm not saying nothing good comes out of the darkness. It does sometimes.  There's no denying that Sylvia Plath's poetry before she stuck her head in the oven (see Ariel) is some of the most beautiful poetry ever written.  But it is ridiculously twisted, as was she.

Now, take a look at some other writers who have written beautiful prose & poetry yet are still living & breathing & enjoying life.  One of my favorite authors is Francesca Lia Block.  Her words are magical & literally transport you to another world much like our own; a world with nymphs & faeries that talk & girls who use words like "honey-honey."  But this world also contains elements of gritty reality; teeth-grinding anger, rampant drug abuse & sexual molestation.  Even incest sometimes.  These are all painful, horrible issues that we deal with in our own world.  But Block manages to seamlessly weave the fantasy into the reality.  This is exactly how real life actually is.  It's not all a one-sided, one dimensional universe.  Life is not all dark or all light, all right or all wrong.  There are elements of magic & elements of pain in all of our real life stories & dramas.

However, that is still a hard idea for a lot of writers & artists to process.  But here's another way to look at it: We all have ups & downs. Being "happy" doesn't mean that you'll never feel pain again. In fact, you will probably experience just as much pain as anyone who is/was depressed.  You will, however, have a different outlook about the pain.  You will know & understand that it will PASS.  You will realize that both the good & the bad is all just a part of the ride and that, consequently, your writing & art need to include both the breathtakingly beautiful & the agonizingly painful.  What is a flawlessly written story without equal parts good & evil?  What is a story without a horrible conflict that is eventually resolved?  Everything in this world is about balance, including & especially art.

Remember this, too: You will not "stop being able to write" if you get help for your illness. You won't suddenly become someone who is shallow, cliche or unintelligent.  If you're smart, you will be smart with or without a severe mental illness.  "Curing" yourself will not destroy who you are.  You will still be sensitive & creative. You can still feel anger & cynicism when need be.  But you will also be able to function more normally.  You will actually be MORE productive, because you won't be sitting around hating yourself all the time.  You will BELIEVE in your abilities (which will feel awkard & scary at first, trust me..I remember constantly hating everything I used to write, no matter how much I love it now).  But eventually, you'll learn to accept your newfound happiness & use it to your advantage.

You don't have to be tortured to create.  You just have to be human.

love & madness