why today is the perfect day to start feeling better ♥

[ photo from neon.love ]

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm a huge procrastinator.  I actually had the idea for a blog that would tackle the issues & concerns of mental health patients years & years ago when I was still sporting magenta hair & listening to NOFX.  Wow, how (some) things change.  However, as you can see, it took me about six years to actually embark on this kind of project.  It was big.  It was scary & intimidating & as the little idea sat around in the back of my mind collecting dust, my desire to create it became stronger but so did my fear of it.

The raw truth is that procrastination does feel good. It feels good to sit around slurping margaritas with girl friends when you know you should probably be cleaning out your ridiculously dirty car or writing the conclusion paragraph of your masterpiece 10-page research paper on the Industrial Revolution.  I know, I've been there.

But when it comes to our mental health, in particular, procrastination can really take its toll.  If you're spending every night after school or work crying in your bedroom or cutting yourself or downing drink after drink or listening to music that makes your heart ache, tomorrow is not the day to start making changes.  Tomorrow is not the time to begin therapy, or check yourself into rehab, or tell your douchebag boyfriend that he needs to get his sh*t out of your cute little one-bedroom (for a reason) apartment. 

I know this because I waited seven years to start therapy for depression, codependency, social anxiety & self-mutilation issues.

I let things get so bad that I nearly lost everything I had.  I lost my boyfriend of six years, an entire group of best friends that I had known for nearly half my life (they were friends with me when I went to my first CREED concert. Enough said.) & several relationships with members of my family just sort of crumbled before my eyes, if they ever existed at all.

I did - & said - unforgiveable things to those around me.  But even more detrimental to my life were the negative thoughts & awful, torturous things I did & said to myself.  I beat myself up on a daily basis. I was angry.  I was annoyed by every little thing that anyone around me said or did.  I was particularly annoyed (& that is a gentle term) by myself.   I attribute some of this to messy teenage hormones & all that stuff they preach about in school.  But my issues went way, way beyond that.

Now, I won't tell you that being in therapy for three months has instantly exorcised me of all my lifelong demons.  But I will tell you that it has helped.  I will tell you that therapy - & all the outside research I've done on mental health - has shone beautiful white light on my once dark little universe.  Some days I wake up & just feel beautiful.  In all my teenage years - & even before that - I never remember waking up & feeling safe, secure & ...loved.

But even though I've started to make changes, I still feel that some days I'm waiting for that "perfect" day to "start living."  I promise myself that tomorrow or next week I'll start eating raw & running three miles every morning in sparkly pink Nikes & cut alcohol out of my life all together.  But it seems like each & every time I make a promise like this to myself, I wake up tomorrow or next week without the slightest intention of actually following through.  Okay, I wake up with intention...but right around lunchtime when I'm offered free slices of garlic-crust pizza, my motivation flies out of the window.  And my hand flies into the pizza box.

But the important lesson I've learned from procrastination is that there is really no such thing as tomorrow.  There is really no such thing as the future.  I mean, sure it's there, looming over us like some magestic being - some magical, glittery thing out in the universe that we will eventually be able to reach out & touch with freshly-manicured mitts.  

But it's not tangible.  

It's happening right now.

And it will keep happening whether or not we choose to change.  The world will keep spinning on  its axis & the earth will keep groovin' slowly through the universe around the sun no matter if you or me or anybody else on this planet exists or not.  Days will keep passing whether you're cutting yourself with a razor blade or kissing a beautiful stranger in dimly-lit alleyway with purple lilacs in your hair.

Time waits for no one, right?

That makes today the best day, the, - dare I say it - perfect day, to start to feel better about yourself & the way you live.

Today is the perfect day to make one small change in your world. 

So, what are you going to change?

love & madness