sweetheart

50 things to do instead of self injure ♥

2009-06-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

[ photo cred: blaqqat ]

for almost seven years, i was a cutter.

even to me, someone who engaged in that kind of behavior for so long, the word - & idea that someone could actually cause physical harm to oneself on purpose - still scares me. for someone who has never been close to someone who self injured or engaged in self injury (SI), it can sound absolutely terrifying.

however, self injury (which includes cutting, skin-picking, burning, etc.) is not as uncommon as one would think. in fact, according to a study from the late 90's, 1 in 100 Americans is a self-injurer. but, with the private nature of & the large stigma attached to self-injury, we can guess that the real number is actually much higher than that.

i didn't know a lot about cutting back when i started to do it (i don't think anybody else really did, either). i just knew that my friends did it - which is not uncommon as many studies show that self-injurers seem to stick together - but that was about it. i read about it once in a book & my mind was made up. forget marijuana or liquor - i decided razor blades were my drug of choice.

the thing about cutting is that once you start, it becomes your lifeline. once i started cutting, i felt like i didn't have any other means of survival. i either cut myself or i felt miserable. i either felt the emotional pain that came with whatever i was dealing with or inflicted physical pain on myself to distract my brain from the emotional stuff. it was black & white - cutting was not a choice, it was more like an instinct. it also wasn't as gross or horror movie-esque as it seems. cutting actually becomes a source of pleasure for those who self injure because it releases endorphins, similar to those produced by illegal drugs. i cut myself because it made me feel good.

however, as a tiny 13-year-old girl, i didn't fully grasp the damage i was causing or the emotional baggage i'd have to eventually deal with due to my years of self abuse. if i had known that there were other, more constructive ways of dealing with the myriad of mixed up teenage emotions i was experiencing, those seven years of my life might have been drastically different.

i think the first step to recovery from self injury is learning that there are other ways to cope. i created this list with that main principle in mind. self injurers need to find other sources of pleasure & also need to be able to deal with their negative emotions in other ways. i hope this list will inspire you or someone you know. i encourage all of you to please share this post with anyone who know who self injures.

♥ [01] use a sharpie & decorate a part of your body you would normally injure with tiny, pretty hearts.
♥ [02] call your best friend & vent.
♥ [03] take a pen & write - pressing as hard as you can - in a journal.
♥ [04] put on a Disney movie & remember how it felt to be young.
♥ [05] walk outside.
♥ [06] open your bedroom door.
♥ [07] drink a cup of herbal tea.
♥ [08] practice calligraphy.
♥ [09] call a friend who also self injures & might need something to distract her, too. get together.
♥ [10] eat something you love.
♥ [11] put on a bathing suit & remember how much more beautiful your arms/legs/stomach look without fresh scars.
♥ [12] re-organize your room.
♥ [13] leave your house.
♥ [14] buy a henna kit & practice giving your skin beautiful non-permanent designs.
♥ [15] punch something. hard.
♥ [16] blow up balloons. pop them.
♥ [17] give yourself a hug.
♥ [18] file your nails.
♥ [19] envision your perfect life. write about it.
♥ [20] read about the law of attraction.
♥ [21] put on hot pink lipstick & kiss random parts of your body. apologize for hurting it.
♥ [22] tear up an old stuffed animal that you no longer feel attached to.
♥ [23] pay the 15 minute game. say you won't cut for 15 minutes & when that 15 is up & you still have the urge, repeat the game.
♥ [24] remember this quote from charles bukowski: "if you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose."
♥ [25] play with an animal. go out & buy a small one like a hamster if you don't have one. give it love.
♥[26] buy yourself a book of logic problems. solve them.
♥ [27] buy yourself a new pair of shoes & play paolo nuitini's "new shoes" while dancing around in them.
♥ [28] pop bubble wrap.
♥ [29] make your own list of 50 things to do instead of self injure.
♥ [30] google quotes by anyone you find inspirational (try william blake, courtney love, marilyn monroe)
♥ [31] read this short story by francesca lia block.
♥ [32] cook something.
♥ [33] hold an ice cube to your wrist (or wherever you self injure) for one minute.
♥ [34] if you don't have one already, start a diary. whenever you feel the urge to cut, write instead. retrain your brain.
♥ [35] try the rubber band trick & wear a rubber band on your wrist. snap the band lightly whenever you feel the urge to cut.
♥ [36] exercise! (try yogatoday.com for a free yoga class once a week)
♥ [37] play dress up. take lots & lots of time. be meticulous about your makeup.
♥ [38] throw away all the old clothes you hate.
♥ [39] write someone you dislike a letter. tear it up.
♥ [40] play wii sports.
♥ [41] masturbate. for real.
♥ [42] music can seriously affect your mood. listen to the grateful dead.
♥ [43] while you're at it, create a whole grateful dead radio station @ pandora.
♥ [44] then, make "touch of grey" your new cell phone ring tone @ myxertones.
♥ [45] hang out with someone. anyone.
♥ [46] play dance dance revolution.
♥ [47] take a hot shower.
♥ [48] watch a scary movie.
♥ [49] scream.
♥ [50] play with play doh. create something.

mind matters [02] ♥

2009-06-23T15:03:00.001-07:00

[ photo cred: kivanc nis ]

eery week here @ sweetheart i'll be posting links to other mental health articles, studies, etc. that i think you readers might find useful or interesting. i'll also include links to other interesting or inspiring stuff I find around the internet. xo

♥ proof love is all you need.

♥ a really wonderful, insightful post over @ charade: dealing with day-to-day depression.

♥ why it's hard to step into someone else's shoes.

♥ for college students: can't believe I never knew about this site till now.

♥ this one, too.

♥ "oceans of fears" is exactly what i needed to read from you are remarkable. so printing it off & posting it on my wall:

we’ve got to change we’ve got to grow we’ve got to throw our fears away? what use are fears? most of them at least. they hold us back. are you afraid to love? why? are you afraid of getting your heart broken? (IT WILL HEAL IT WILL.) are you afraid to make friends? why? are you afraid they’ll grow disinterested & run? (THEY MAY, THOSE ONES ARE NOT WORTH IT.) are you afraid to live the life you desire? why? someone may disapprove, you may not have as much money to spend, you may lose yourself for a bit? (THOSE THINGS MAY JUST HAPPEN REGARDLESS.) think of all there is to gain by GOING FORWARD past these fears & embracing what you may gain? love someone! you may find your future & yourself. make friends! even if you don’t stay in contact with them all, you may network & meet neater ones with more interesting interests! live your life! you may just discover how truly beautiful it can be. make a list of your biggest fears, the ones that hold you back from truly existing to the fullest. write a pro for what you could gain by facing the fear & one con for the worst that could happen (something plausible) & see which one offers you the better life.

writing prompt: who do you love? ♥

2009-06-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

[ photo from visualdensity ]

When I was a teenager (though, let's be honest I'm not too far from one now), writing was my therapy. It was my solace, my saviour; basically the only thing that kept me from freaking out & wallowing in needless self pity on a daily basis. Something about spilling myself so openly onto the page - or onto the keys of my lap top - ignited a certain fire in me. It made feel really truly alive & connected.

However, the last few years I've kind of forgotten how it felt to write as a way of release. I turned my focus towards other ventures; Thirsty Thursdays & Margarita Nights, for example. But now I've found myself really yearning for a kind of intimate, creative outlet. So, I decided that once a week or so, I'll post a short writing/journal prompt on sweetheart for you - & for me, too.

We all need a place to express our true emotions - even if they are a little crazy, ridiculous, or dramatic. We all need an outlet. Maybe this can be yours, too?

(P.S. If you're more artistically-inclined, work this any way your little heart desires - paint, collage, Photoshop, etc.)

Today's prompt: Write about something or someone you love, no matter how unusual.

Here's what I wrote:

i met his mother last weekend. she was sipping milwaukees best out of a large mug & smiling smugly. i was nervous, anxious like i always am as i slowly ran my fingers over the brochure on her kitchen table, franklinton arts district, it read.

we sat in a red booth that looked like it's been pulled straight from some 1950's soda shop. i didn't ask how or why she had it. i already knew. she told me her & her friend used to get high at the very same table. last month.

he was there, too. wandering around - shirtless like he always is - & leaving me, drumming my tiny, unpolished fingernails on the table's smooth surface, to somehow make sense of the substance-induced words flowing from his mother's mouth.

when he finally settled into the booth next to me, she turned her attention to him.

"you really don't care about yourself, do you?" she said. i think she finally noticed the bullet wound on his side. she didn't sound sad.

"no. i let other people do it for me," he answered, firmly.

"well, it's not an easy job," she said. i think she winked at me. i imagined that she was thinking, thank god. thank god there's finally someone else around to pick up the pieces of my broken family.

i was sitting there with two of the most wounded people i had ever met.

& i loved them both.

Now, sugar plums, it's your turn. Leave me your stories - however unusual, decadent or dramatic - in the comments.

mind matters ♥

2009-06-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

[ photo from chantel baggley ]

Every week here @ sweetheart I'll be posting links to other mental health articles, studies, etc. that I think you readers might find useful or interesting. I'll also include links to other interesting or inspiring stuff I find around the internet. xo

♥ The LA Times tells us why we really do need friendships.

♥ Too much choice is bad for us?

♥ Attention is often a problem for people with anxiety & depression. Learn how meditation improves it

♥ In college & feeling depressed? You're not alone.

♥ Do you live by The Eight Principles?

♥ Dealing with shyness.

♥ This is way old but definitely worth a look: New Love As It Sears The Brain (aka Love Makes You Crazy!)

♥ Music is one of the only things that makes me feel good. That & clothes. So, this is probably the best thing I've ever seen. Girls' Guide to Festival Fashion @TresLola

♥ Getting rid of all that chatter in your mind is the first step to a healthier one. Check out How To Quiet Your Mind from ThinkSimpleNow.

♥ This is just awesome.

love where you come from ♥

2009-06-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

[ photo from gabri le cabri ]

Right now, I'm enduring some rather unfortunate circumstances: I'm a 22-year-old college (super) senior who is stuck at my parent's home for the summer in the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio.

Doesn't sound too glamorous, does it?

Spending time in my childhood home (but not my childhood room; the family stole that one from me before I could even throw down the security deposit on my first apartment) has created quite a mess of anxious, exciting, childish, squeamish & sometimes down right depressing emotions in me.

I have spent the last three weeks lounging poolside with high school friends, stuffing my face with Mama's delicious homemade dishes & basically avoiding reality at all costs. All this delicious (& precious!) idle time has led me to one conclusion: I love my hometown.

Now, if someone would have talked to me about this idea of "loving" where I come from a couple years ago, I would have laughed right in their face. My sole reason for traveling cross-state for university was to "escape" the "evil clutches" of my hometown - & my parents. I wanted nothing more than to run as far away from all the bad people, things & ideas that had suffocated & consumed me for the better part of teenagedom. College was this magical place where everything would eventually be perfect. I would finally accept my imperfect body, I would stop violently shaking when I had to speak to more than one person at a time, I'd actually find alternate means for dealing with my problems besides self-injury.

Yeah, right.

The thing that I - & most people - seem to forget is that wherever you are, there's one truly important thing you cary with you...& that's yourself. Sure, you might sleep in a pretty, swanky apartment, or wear fantastic new clothes or hang out with a different crowd, but deep inside, you're still whoever you were before. Problems & issues you're dealing with don't flitter away into the sunset just because you're in a new location. When I came to college, actually, the opposite happened. My problems & issues with self-loathing became even more magnified. I was forced to stop blaming extraneous circumstances for my failures. I was still the same kind of person even though my surroundings were vastly different. I still had to the urge to cut myself, I still felt that I was always being victimized, I still hated the way my face looked in the mirror.

But, now that I'm back at home I am able to really take a look at the progress I've made over the last four years. I get to be my new self in an old place & see how differently things feel. Let's just say, the results so far have been WAY dramatic. I still have a lot of the same girl friends & go to most of the same places, but the way I feel about myself & my life is way different than it was in high school.

Let's just say, I definitely don't hate my home anymore.

I'm sure there are others of you out there in similar situations. You just can't seem to stop hating that certain thing, person or place from the past. It seemed to me that no matter how long I'd been in college & no matter how much I learned about what it meant to be mentally stable & healthy, I still resented my past (namely, my hometown). There was still a tiny part of my heart that wanted something else - my family & my upbringing, my old friends, my ex-boyfriends, the suburb I live in - to blame for the mistakes & pain of my past.

So, for you & for me, here are some reasons you should stop hating on your hometown & some of the great things that can come out of revisiting the roost:

♥ If you weren't happy at home, you are the only one to blame. One of the first steps to becoming mentally healthy is accepting that you're the only person responsible for your feelings. Your hometown was not to blame for your unhappiness; you were.

♥ Your family & old friends from home do not define who you are. Even if you hung around some bad apples, that doesn't make you a bad apple. Just a slightly bruised one who can choose to hang out with some prettier fruits in the future.

♥ Reconnecting with old friends can bring back a sense of belonging. There's really nothing quite like being around people who once knew you inside & out. It's also fun to let them get to know the newer (& hopefully better) parts of you that they didn't get to see before.

♥ You didn't choose your hometown, but you can choose to see the best in it. Since I hate everything a lot less now than I did, almost everywhere & everything seems much more beautiful to me now. Because of this, I feel like I'm finally able to see Columbus for what it really is - which is a pretty amazing little place.

♥ Others in your hometown may have changed, too. Although not all change is for the best, sometimes it can be. Some of the old people in your life may have matured, changed & morphed into fabulous new creatures. Acquaintances from the past may quickly turn into new friends because you can connect on some new level you might not have been able to before. I know I was extremely judgmental of people from my high school, but I have definitely grown past that & have created some new friendships - with people I never thought I would have.

♥ Last but not least, you only have one home, right?

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave & grow old wanting to get back to."
-- John Ed Pearce
love & madness

you don't have to be tortured to create ♥

2009-06-09T21:13:00.001-07:00

[ photo from lampeduza ]

I grew up on stories of the tortured artist. As soon as I could make my own reading choices, I found myself gravitating toward writers who lived on the edge. I was attracted to stories about loss & chaos. Stories without happy endings. Often times, the stories I liked were written by authors whose own chaotic lives mirrored those that they wrote about.

For whatever reason, the thought of living in constant turmoil like that seemed kind of...glamorous. I envisioned myself in the future as a tinier version of Sylvia Plath or Virginia Woolf; somebody who regurgitated beautiful works of art that were admired by - & confused - many. I imagined my life: I'd spend hours in dim, candle-lit rooms, hunched over a vintage keyboard, a glass of red wine my only companion. I'd probably be lonely. I'd probably hate myself. But I'd be intelligent. And creative.

Something about that notion intrigued me. I was placed in "gifted" classes when I was younger, even though the meaning of the word was never really explained to me. I always knew I wanted to write & so, I did what any budding young writer would do. I read whatever "greats" I could get my hands on. Eventually, I started to form my own opinions of the writers I wanted to emulate. From all I had heard & read - & all that I felt & saw - living in chaos & hating oneself was the artist's way. And, the older I got & the more I read about & studied other writers & artists, the more I found this idea to be true. I formed what I called "the intelligence paradox" in my mind. I was convinced that if I was truly a highly intelligent or creative person, I was basically doomed. Happiness became almost a dirty word in my vocabulary; something I equated with people who were dumb, shallow or lifeless. Happiness didn't exist in my world. Especially not if I was going to write.

It seems a little ridiculous in hindsight. There are millions upon millions of books & writers out there...& there is no way that all of them are or were depressed, self-loathing, manic depressive psychopaths. However, I was convinced that the "greats" were just that way. And as an extreme perfectionist, I would settle for nothing less than great.

...Until I realized one important thing. You don't have to be tortured to create something beautiful.

I completely understand that many of you reading this may still feel the way I used to about your own creative abilities. When your mind is racing like it does when you're anxious, or if you're catastrophizing all the events in your life like you do when you're depressed, it seems like writing & art just flows out of you. It's almost effortless. However, when you take a step back & look at exactly what you write when you're in this state of mind, sometimes it isn't pretty.

I'm not saying nothing good comes out of the darkness. It does sometimes. There's no denying that Sylvia Plath's poetry before she stuck her head in the oven (see Ariel) is some of the most beautiful poetry ever written. But it is ridiculously twisted, as was she.

Now, take a look at some other writers who have written beautiful prose & poetry yet are still living & breathing & enjoying life. One of my favorite authors is Francesca Lia Block. Her words are magical & literally transport you to another world much like our own; a world with nymphs & faeries that talk & girls who use words like "honey-honey." But this world also contains elements of gritty reality; teeth-grinding anger, rampant drug abuse & sexual molestation. Even incest sometimes. These are all painful, horrible issues that we deal with in our own world. But Block manages to seamlessly weave the fantasy into the reality. This is exactly how real life actually is. It's not all a one-sided, one dimensional universe. Life is not all dark or all light, all right or all wrong. There are elements of magic & elements of pain in all of our real life stories & dramas.

However, that is still a hard idea for a lot of writers & artists to process. But here's another way to look at it: We all have ups & downs. Being "happy" doesn't mean that you'll never feel pain again. In fact, you will probably experience just as much pain as anyone who is/was depressed. You will, however, have a different outlook about the pain. You will know & understand that it will PASS. You will realize that both the good & the bad is all just a part of the ride and that, consequently, your writing & art need to include both the breathtakingly beautiful & the agonizingly painful. What is a flawlessly written story without equal parts good & evil? What is a story without a horrible conflict that is eventually resolved? Everything in this world is about balance, including & especially art.

Remember this, too: You will not "stop being able to write" if you get help for your illness. You won't suddenly become someone who is shallow, cliche or unintelligent. If you're smart, you will be smart with or without a severe mental illness. "Curing" yourself will not destroy who you are. You will still be sensitive & creative. You can still feel anger & cynicism when need be. But you will also be able to function more normally. You will actually be MORE productive, because you won't be sitting around hating yourself all the time. You will BELIEVE in your abilities (which will feel awkard & scary at first, trust me..I remember constantly hating everything I used to write, no matter how much I love it now). But eventually, you'll learn to accept your newfound happiness & use it to your advantage.

You don't have to be tortured to create. You just have to be human.

love & madness

mood mix: strength ♥

2009-06-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

[ photo from myuibe ]

[ It's undeniable that music has a seriously large impact on the way we think, feel & act. Some tunes make us feel miserable, while others lift our spirits & make us forget about our problems, even if only for a couple minutes. Others inspire us, challenge us to look deep inside ourselves or present new ideas to us in a way that only beautiful, thoughtful lyrics & well-played instruments can. Here is your first mood mix from sweetheart - enjoy! ]

mood mix: strength

why today is the perfect day to start feeling better ♥

2009-06-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

[ photo from neon.love ]

I'm not going to lie to you, I'm a huge procrastinator. I actually had the idea for a blog that would tackle the issues & concerns of mental health patients years & years ago when I was still sporting magenta hair & listening to NOFX. Wow, how (some) things change. However, as you can see, it took me about six years to actually embark on this kind of project. It was big. It was scary & intimidating & as the little idea sat around in the back of my mind collecting dust, my desire to create it became stronger but so did my fear of it.

The raw truth is that procrastination does feel good. It feels good to sit around slurping margaritas with girl friends when you know you should probably be cleaning out your ridiculously dirty car or writing the conclusion paragraph of your masterpiece 10-page research paper on the Industrial Revolution. I know, I've been there.

But when it comes to our mental health, in particular, procrastination can really take its toll. If you're spending every night after school or work crying in your bedroom or cutting yourself or downing drink after drink or listening to music that makes your heart ache, tomorrow is not the day to start making changes. Tomorrow is not the time to begin therapy, or check yourself into rehab, or tell your douchebag boyfriend that he needs to get his sh*t out of your cute little one-bedroom (for a reason) apartment.

I know this because I waited seven years to start therapy for depression, codependency, social anxiety & self-mutilation issues.

I let things get so bad that I nearly lost everything I had. I lost my boyfriend of six years, an entire group of best friends that I had known for nearly half my life (they were friends with me when I went to my first CREED concert. Enough said.) & several relationships with members of my family just sort of crumbled before my eyes, if they ever existed at all.

I did - & said - unforgiveable things to those around me. But even more detrimental to my life were the negative thoughts & awful, torturous things I did & said to myself. I beat myself up on a daily basis. I was angry. I was annoyed by every little thing that anyone around me said or did. I was particularly annoyed (& that is a gentle term) by myself. I attribute some of this to messy teenage hormones & all that stuff they preach about in school. But my issues went way, way beyond that.

Now, I won't tell you that being in therapy for three months has instantly exorcised me of all my lifelong demons. But I will tell you that it has helped. I will tell you that therapy - & all the outside research I've done on mental health - has shone beautiful white light on my once dark little universe. Some days I wake up & just feel beautiful. In all my teenage years - & even before that - I never remember waking up & feeling safe, secure & ...loved.

But even though I've started to make changes, I still feel that some days I'm waiting for that "perfect" day to "start living." I promise myself that tomorrow or next week I'll start eating raw & running three miles every morning in sparkly pink Nikes & cut alcohol out of my life all together. But it seems like each & every time I make a promise like this to myself, I wake up tomorrow or next week without the slightest intention of actually following through. Okay, I wake up with intention...but right around lunchtime when I'm offered free slices of garlic-crust pizza, my motivation flies out of the window. And my hand flies into the pizza box.

But the important lesson I've learned from procrastination is that there is really no such thing as tomorrow. There is really no such thing as the future. I mean, sure it's there, looming over us like some magestic being - some magical, glittery thing out in the universe that we will eventually be able to reach out & touch with freshly-manicured mitts.

But it's not tangible.

It's happening right now.

And it will keep happening whether or not we choose to change. The world will keep spinning on its axis & the earth will keep groovin' slowly through the universe around the sun no matter if you or me or anybody else on this planet exists or not. Days will keep passing whether you're cutting yourself with a razor blade or kissing a beautiful stranger in dimly-lit alleyway with purple lilacs in your hair.

Time waits for no one, right?

That makes today the best day, the, - dare I say it - perfect day, to start to feel better about yourself & the way you live.

Today is the perfect day to make one small change in your world.

So, what are you going to change?

love & madness

about ♥

2009-06-09T11:53:00.001-07:00

My name is Erica. I'm an English major & an ex-angsty teenager who is obsessed with psychology & the way the human mind works.

I am a creative soul - a dreamer, a poet, a lover of all things pink & pretty. I am also someone who has experienced the darker side of life.

I want to use this blog as a way offer advice to others who might have been plagued with a mental illness like depression or general anxiety; to inspire, uplift, analyze & make people think. I think that everyone should have a safe place to explore all sides of themselves - & I want this to be that place for me, & for you if you choose.

So this is my invitation to join me in discovering & exploring who we really are - outside of the confines of depression & mental illness. I encourage you to come along for the (mind-blowing, glitter-filled, sensual & oftentimes brutually honest) ride if you, too, are trying to kinda figure yourself out & discover whatever it is that makes your little heart go pitter-patter.

We all deserve that much, don't ya think?

love&madness